


A Moment of True Happiness

by Alapare



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, S15E18:Despair, Season/Series 15 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:34:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27420508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alapare/pseuds/Alapare
Summary: Cas had never been more happy in his life. He wants to stay in this moment forever, but there’s no chance of that happening at any point in time.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 99





	A Moment of True Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> Couldn’t help but cry while writing this, cry so many times.

Dean looks confused. Cas wishes it didn’t have to happen like this. Wishes it didn’t have to happen at all actually, so that he could stay by Dean’s side longer.

He had to save Dean though. The man had saved him so many times from foes and himself. Saving Dean would always be his number one priority even before his own life. Always before what he wants.

Cas had never felt so sad yet so happy. 

_“I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, what it could be, what my true happiness could even look like, and I never found an answer.”_

He always thought he’d panic if this moment ever came, but that he thought it would. That the Empty would take him, and he’d be leaving Dean (and everyone else) behind, defenseless. However, he was wrong. He was in a state of euphoria. 

“...Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have. But I think I know...I think I know now. Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it.”

Cas knew that even if he got to spend decades more with Dean that it’d never compare to this moment. He’d always wanted to say these words. Unsure of how to say it and afraid of the rejection, Cas had kept a tight seal on it. None of that mattered now though. This was the one and only chance he would get to say this. He had to say it in order to save Dean one last time. To repay for everything he’d ever done for him. To be there for the man he loved till the very end. 

_”What are you talking about, man?”_

Cas knew Dean wouldn’t understand. That the man might acknowledge his feelings at best, but he could never reciprocate. That was fine. Fantastic really. Cas had never expected more from the man. He’d kept everything to himself. The jealousy, the sadness, the wanting, the love. Everything he’d felt for Dean that went beyond friendship, beyond brothers, he’d kept it all away as much as he could for the sake of their relationship, for the sake of Dean. 

Cas went on. Said everything he’d been wanting to say for years now. It was all out in the open. Not for long though as Cas knew what would happen the moment he uttered the big three words.   
  
_“I know, I know how you see yourself Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You’re destructive, and you’re angry, you’re broken, you’re...you’re daddy’s blunt instrument.”_

Cas never understood how Dean could think that’s any of that was true. He never would. He always say Dean as a driving force, a beacon of hope, the leader of Team Free Will. Anyone who saw Dean’s soul would know that. It was the whitest, brightest, purest entity Cas had ever seen. Like everyone else, Cas also wanted to have that soul all to himself. He was interested as to why such a thing was in Hell in the first place, how this could be the man who broke the first seal and started the apocalypse. Cas thinks that though he may not have known it, he’d been in love with Dean since they very beginning, before they’d even talked to each other, became friends, became family. 

_”And you think that hate and anger, that’s, that’s what drives you are. It’s not. And everyone who knows you, sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are.”_

Dean still hadn’t said anything, and Cas couldn’t read the expression on his face. Cas is glad though. He didn’t need Dean to say anything, didn’t want him to. It was already enough that Dean could hear him say this. No one needed to see Dean’s soul. They only needed to see his actions, his mannerisms, his reasoning. He always did his best, did more than he needed, fought against hopelessness. Cas fell for him for all of the above. His spirit especially was one Cas would never forget. 

_”You are the most caring man on Earth. The most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.”_

Cas needs Dean to know this. All of his self loathing was for naught. Cas has never seen or met someone in all his millennia of living who willingly throws away their life as much as Dean. The man put everyone before himself even when he didn’t want to. He had so many people who loved him and would come to his side. Cas could never be more sure that what he was saying was not only he really feels, but also the most truthful statement in all time. 

_”You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of hell, knowing you had changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me Dean.”_

A soldier of heaven is what he had been. Cas knew that if it weren’t for Dean, he’d still be a pawn on the playing bored doomed to a meaningless death. Dean had given him meaning, a higher purpose. His death would not only save Dean, but take out Billie too. They couldn’t beat her themselves, like Dean had said she was going to break through that door and they wouldn’t be able to stop her. The Empty could. It would take Billie, and Dean wouldn’t have to die alongside Cas. Dean would live. 

_”Why does this sound like a goodbye?”_

Dean’s first words to him since he’d started his speech weren’t a surprise to him. Dean was never good at handling emotions, worse with goodbyes. He never wanted anyone to leave, always scared they’d never come back, that he’d be alone for good. Cas was saying goodbye forever now. He knew he was hurting Dean, but if he had to hurt the man he loved to save him one last time he would. He always would. 

_”Because it is. I love you.”_

Cas had never been more happy in his life. He wants to stay in this moment forever, but there’s no chance of that happening at any point in time. The words were finally freed after all these years. Cas was sure he’d never say them. Only think about them every time he saw Dean or say it aloud to himself when he was sure that no one was around. Cas had never felt more whole in his life. He wished he could say it to Dean a thousand more times every day for the rest of their lives, but sadly that could and would never happen. 

_“Don’t do this, Cas.”_

It hurt Cas to hear Dean’s voice break. He had to do this, and it was already too late. The Empty was here, ready to take him. 

Billie got through the door. He heard it, but Cas didn’t care. All he saw was Dean. All he ever saw was Dean. 

“Cas.”

He knew there wasn’t much Dean could say. He’d said too much and yet just enough. He’d said everything. They were out of time, but it was nice to hear Dean say his name one last time.

_”Goodbye, Dean.”_

Cas knew that the tears in his eyes, going down his face, were tears of joy. Even though he’d never see Dean again, hear him again, talk to him again, Cas had enjoyed every single moment with him to the fullest. Not a second was wasted in his opinion. He couldn’t have asked for any more than he’d received.

Dean let out a breathy wha- before Cas tossed Dean to the side. He look at Dean one last time. The confusion and sadness was plain on his face, but Cas looked forward, embracing the Empty gladly. It had been right. This was truly his happiest moment. As the Empty wrapped around him, enveloped him, Cas was smiling, one more tear sliding down his face. 


End file.
